Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Lunch...Laughter...and Squeems...Sooooo Priceless!

So my best buddy from Houston, Debbie Hauglum, sent me a joke dealio this mornin' about some poor woman on an innocent shopping trip.  Said shopper was all hot over some kind of red floppy hat, thinkin' she looked all GORGEOUS in the mirror, when she spied a rack of Spanx products behind her.  OH MY GAWD!!!!  Apparently the hat shopper was new to Spanx...but she was curious!  ROFLOL  I don't have to tell y'all the rest of the tale...we've all been there...moanin' and groanin' in the dressing room with our Spanx...wonderin' WHAT IN BLAZES HAPPENED TO THAT FIGURE I ONCE HAD??????

Good lord...I remember the days when my 5'9" frame weighed in at 128 pounds and I was solid as a rock!  Excuse me while I wipe away the tears dripping down my cheeks along with the snot pouring from my nostrils!!!!  I was a student back then who earned spending money as a swimming instructor.  I wore a wicked mean Speedo folks...when I snapped the elastic at my butt cheeks it freakin' sang!  GAWD...today I'd have to hunt down a humpback whale to find enough hide to cover those same sweet cheeks!

Yeah...forty years, two sons, cancer, and a whackadoodle thyroid later, I'm just a SMIDGEON heavier.  ROFLOL  Now, if you buy that line, contact me...I'll give you my private number...I've got swampland I'm itchin' to unload!  Sure, I've gained poundage...snarfin' down snoballs and strawberry Twizzlers for forty years doesn't keep one svelte!  But there's help for those of us who have beefed up!!  We prideful ladies have the ability to get out there and buy ourselves some of those wonderful products known as "shapewear"!!!

I got my first "shapewear" with Debbie and another cohort, Kathy Berger, when the three of us decided to do lunch one sunny summer day.  Over salad and wine we yammered about this and that and somehow ended up yakkin' about gettin' "properly sized" for bras.  Kathy had just gotten herself "sized" and was literally foamin' at the mouth about one of her primo new bras...claimed she never felt so regal!  Debbie and I hadn't been "sized" in ages so we were game to give it a go...so off to the specialty shoppe we went!

I haven't howled so loud in a dressing room in my life!  The "sizing" bit is a great thing to do...if nothing else, it's VERY enlightening!  The chance that you're wearing the wrong size bra is probably very high...unless you've undergone the sizing experience within the last year.  I was waaaayyyyy off on band size...THAT was a shocker to me...but I digress.  Once we knew what we were shopping for we were off and running...rackin' up all manner of pretty new bras etc...specialty shoppes have THE best crappola!!!!!  

All of a sudden a rather plump young woman came in and began flappin' her yapper about undergarments for her upcoming wedding.  She needed "this" and "that" to enable her to fit into her wedding dress.  She tried on different things and asked our opinions etc.  In no time at all the shoppe ceased to be a retail space and turned into a "girlie party" with women poppin' in and out of dressing rooms showin' each other assorted cha cha items each wanted to purchase.  At one point our bride-to-be sauntered out in a "corset type waist cinching dealio" that intrigued all three of us.  "WHAT is THAT?!!??"  I asked.  The bride laughed and said "It's my Squeem!  I wouldn't go anywhere without it!"  

A Squeem???  Yes...you read that right...a Squeem!  The bride had purchased hers right there in that shoppe!  Immediately Debbie and I asked to try one on...if the bride wore hers 24/7/365 well, WE could certainly wear the dang thing for a couple hours!  OH LORDY!  The shop grew quiet as both Debbie and I, in separate dressing rooms, began to attach the Squeems to our fat riddled frames.  Kathy sat outside the curtained doors on a beautiful velvet couch...howling at the top of her lungs...claiming she was passin' on the Squeem...she'd find some cha cha panties or a to-die-for slip.

It took a bit of doing to get the freakin' thing out of the package, but at last my trembling fingers began to wrap the miracle of miracles around my midriff.  Wait...what in blazes was goin' on??!!!??  The clerk claimed the size she brought me was the PERFECT fit for my measurements.  Holy Crappola Batman!  I swear the thing had to have a 7 or 8 inch gap from side to side!  SOMEHOW I had to hook an entire line of hook & eyes, enclosing myself into the torture device.  Yes, the Squeem is not for the faint of heart...it takes courage to put this thing on...check that...it takes strength... MAJOR strength...the kind that only Stallone and Schwarzenegger possess.   I tugged, I pulled, I ripped two freakin' fingernails clean off, the headband I was wearing pinged off my head, my nose ran, beads of sweat formed on my eyeballs...but at last I managed to get the top hook & eye connected!!  Only forty four more to go!  Then I heard the clerk lightly rap on the wall and whisper "I forgot to tell you to start at the BOTTOM and work your way up to the top!!"

Say What???  I heard a clink on the floor...the clinking was nothing more than chunks of my own brain matter sliding out my left ear.  GAWD  She wants me to start over?!!??  I called out to Debbie..."Yo Deb!!  Did you start at the top?"  Her reply was really more of a snarling hiss followed by some strangled sobbing.  "I'm startin' over again!  Hang in there Debbie!!!  If that plumpy bride can do it so can we!"  All I heard was one long moan and a head banging against the wall.

Hookin' the Squeem at the bottom from the start is the only way to go...however, by the time you pass over your hips you can pretty much kiss all your fingernails goodbye, half the skin on your palms will be chaffed off, and you'll swear you're well on your way to developing nerve damage in your hands.  Once you reach total closure, your breasts, if you're well endowed, will more than likely be sittin' right under your ear lobes...your chin will be where your nose once was...your eyeballs will be sittin' where your eyebrows used to be...and your nose...well...honey...trust me on this one...you don't want to know...just pray for small breasts! 

As I reached total closure and gazed into the mirror I couldn't help myself...the howling started out low...a soft chuckle that grew into racking peals of laughter...then I heard a slow rumble from the other dressing room that turned into wave after wave of uncontrollable snorting and giggling...Debbie was seeing the same thing...a sight so abhorrent neither of us dared to leave our curtained shelter...but both couldn't stop laughing. 

Finally Debbie choked out "Are you gonna buy this damn thing Jan?"  To which I replied "Of course I am!!  This is the best laugh I've had in ages!!  Are you??"  To which she replied "I have to, I'm afraid if I remove it I'll wet my pants!"

Salad & Wine: $15.95
One Squeem: $65
Laughter with the Girls: Priceless

just me...sayin' I haven't worn the Squeem lately...I need to save as much brain matter as possible...jan


  1. ROFLMAO!!! You should write a book Jan....lunch exploits with my girlfriends!!!!A bright spot in my day!


  2. Hilarious! gave me a few chuckles as I can imagine... I think I have tried on similar items!
    : )

    ...you know the Bible says, 'a merry heart does good, like a medicine!!!"

    You all should be well for a time!!!

  3. Dropped in to see your Where Bloggers Create post and didn't get any further just yet, almost wetting my pants reading this! Thanks so much for a huge laugh from one who can sadly relate to this whole post :O)

  4. you are gifted Jan...write a book!

  5. I had a good gigglesnort over this!

    Happy Wednesday Jan!


  6. LOL that was hilarius!!! Well, not poundage, but the way you described it! I was laughing so hard! X'D Brilliant post!


  7. OMG! That was so funny -- you are a fabulous writer -- I was in that dressing room cheering you on! LOL Thanks for the laugh~

  8. When does your Christmas letter come out? Am I on the list or are you just going to post it?? I laughed so hard at this I almost peed my pants too. Lordy woman you can spin a yarn as good as Erma Bombeck! Write a book or at least greeting cards! I have lots of old photos that I need a caption to! I miss our yammerin' back and forth, flash is still in NY tearing up the town and taking photos as she goes. Where can we go?? I'm posting this on my FB page you loon!xoxoxoxo-cindy

  9. LOL it! And can so identify totally! :) Thanks for the great laugh.

  10. This was written a while ago but it stills give me the biggest grin ear to ear! Oh, how I love your adventures and the blessed way you write them up! Thank heavens you are sharing that talent, girl!!! As for the Squeem? With my back, I would still be in traction due to all the contortions and pressure put on it. Nope, leaving those things to you and your friend! Thanks for giggles!!!!