Monday, July 16, 2012

Two Sisters, One Card, And Electric Auras Gone Haywire!!

So I've got this whackjob of a sister named Judith (I call her Jude) that I adore who came for a visit a couple months ago.  She arrived in a whirlwind and left the same way...leaving behind what I call "metallic snaps" that have left my home in an uproar.  I have a hard enough time dealing with my OWN electric auras...but now I'm dealin' with Jude's as well!!!  It's a long story...grab a cup of tea...Jude is a freakin' mess folks!

I won't say it started at birth...we didn't have ANYTHING in common with each other until she married her first husband (God rest his soul)...HE was responsible for turning her into a normal human being.  Until the day she floated down the marriage aisle, I had NOTHING to say to her...we were polar opposites.  Yet, in record time, that blessed man turned my sister into a rip snortin',  fun lovin',  laugh a minute gal pal I've got the pleasure to have in my life to the end of my days.

I found out how REALLY funny she was years ago when I was still a university student.  It was my birthday and she sent me a Hallmark card on March 4, 1972....THIS card...a rough and tumble cardboard piece of crappola with a crudely drawn flower on the front surrounded by inky fingerprints...gorgeous?  NOT!

Jude, Jan, and "The Card"
 When I opened it the inside caption read "El Cheapo Strikes Again!"  I immediately began to howl...finding the humor in the sentiment delightful.  THEN I noticed she had forgotten to sign the freakin' thing!!!!  That fact made me howl even harder 'cuz it set my mind to plottin' and plannin'. 

Oh yes...NO ONE was ever going to out-do me!!!!  El Cheapo my eye!!!  HER birthday was just two months can see where this is goin' can't you.  Of course you can!  Naturally I inked up my index finger, planted it among the inside splotches, signed my name, the date (May 13, 1972) and sent it to her with no further description.  Who's El Cheapo now??  The resultant phone conversation was hilarious. 

Fast forward one year...March 4, 1973...guess what arrives in my mailbox?  THE CARD...with another inked up fingerprint...this time signed "Jude March 4, 1973"...OH MY GAWD!!!!  It was at this moment...this treasured nugget of time that I realized my sister and I DID have something in common...a wicked sense of humor...a bond that we would share through thick and thin.  And out of that silly little bit of Hallmark ephemera a tradition was born!  How so???  Well...."The Card" has continued to sail back and forth between the two of us ever since then.  Yes...that's FORTY years of birthdays folks!  Here's some of the proof:

El Cheapo Strikes Again!

After 40 years "The Card" is lookin' a bit tattered but it's still hangin' in there!
Oh...we've missed some years...blocks of time where each has apologized for not gettin' "The Card" in the mail, but promising that whoever had it at the time was keepin' it safe and sound.  This year Jude hand delivered it to me...after HER birthday so there is no chance of me receivin' it in the post next year...but I'm keepin' it safe in the dining room buffet until May, 2013 rolls around!  I think she knows what she'll find in her birthday mail!

Now her visit was PRIMO fun but a tad distressful for poor Jude.  Prior to her departure she had a "treatment" from one of her hoodoo voodoo people (that's what I call them) who waved hands over her body to attempt to connect with her electrical aura...ummmmm...yeah, you read that right.  I can't believe she actually pays people to wave hands over her and then flap their yappers at her...GAWD!  Apparently Jude's "aura" was flyin' all over the place and this woman was havin' one heck of a time reinin' it in and simply didn't get the job done before departure time.  Sooooo when she and her husband (I call him "the Saint") arrived I could probably have used her body (and aura) as a glo-stick that night in the back yard!   Well, the hoodoo voodoo woman must have known sumthin' cuz Jude was takin' out cell phones left and right!  I kid you not!  Every time I turned around she was punchin' on a dead cell phone tryin' to raise up some kind of power.  She even took out mine!  And it was in the freakin' car!  Thank GAWD my husband always has his turned off!  

Exhausted from the drive and not being able to yammer on her cell, she fell prey to a couple glasses of wine and eventually headed up to one of the guest rooms with "the Saint"...lordy but I adore him!   I had the programmable thermostat set at 72 degrees and told them they could also turn on the ceiling fan as well.  Naturally the next morning "the Saint" mentioned that it had gotten pretty hot upstairs.  HUH???  My upstairs is ALWAYS cool!!!  So I tromped up there to check out the was a blazing 85 degrees!  Yeah...JUDE HAD WALKED BY IT!  I reprogrammed it again to 72 degrees.  Unfortunately every time Jude strolled by it her "aura" knocked the dang thing out!  THEN she strolled into the sitting room up there where "the Saint" was quietly watching television...he was behaving...bothering NO ONE...and what does Jude and her freakin' aura do???  YUP!  She futzes up the tv remote!  Lordy!  Without our whiz kids here to straighten matters like that out my husband and I are basically paralyzed!  After a LOT of flicking, switching, and moaning and groaning I was able to fix it and banned her from that room.  

We drove to Waxahachie one night for catfish...she affected the air conditioning in the vehicle.  After awhile I was almost afraid to have her around anymore.  I didn't need HER aura rubbin' off on me.  I have some of these issues myself...although not on such a grand scale.  The only time I've attempted to purchase a lotto ticket the lotto machine broke as soon as I stepped up to the counter.  The clerk said it had never happened before and he'd been selling lotto tickets with said machine since Texas started the lotto.  With me it's SMALL electrical things...I've NEVER taken out an entire air conditioning system before!

Well, Jude's visit came to an end.  We said a teary goodbye in the driveway...hugs all 'round.  I watched her climb into the car and decided to wait there until they had driven out of sight.  Hmmmm...five minutes, the dog was gettin' antsy....ten minutes....what in blazes was "the Saint" doin'???  He finally rolled down the window to explain he was attempting to gear up the GPS...OH GAWD...I strolled up to his window...yup...there was Jude...punchin' the dang GPS and gettin' no where.  Her "aura" was workin' overtime and had taken out their directional device.  The cell phones were still dead.  I couldn't believe it.  I swear I was thinkin' that if there were any justice in the world a black hole would appear somewhere in Texas, Jude's aura would lead them to it, and put them out of their misery...maybe "the Saint" was praying for just that by then!  Needless to say she never did get the GPS to work and snagged a good old fashioned map.  Me?  I heaved a sigh of relief, wiped away a tear, grabbed the dog, and headed into the house....WHERE I'VE BEEN PLAGUED BY JUDE'S LEFTOVER AURA EVER SINCE!  It's taken two months to get the air conditioner thermostat working correctly upstairs...the one downstairs started acting up within five hours of her departure, but that only lasted for a little over two weeks.  The GPS in my vehicle got screwy the first time I attempted to use it after she left...but it's working fine now.  I haven't used my cell phone...perhaps I should check it out???  ROFLOL

just me...vowin' to run from hand waving people who claim they can rein in my aura...jan


  1. should either be a stand-up comedian or write a book. My stomach hurts!

  2. You are absolutely hilarious! So needless to say I have to follow!

  3. Gawd I adore you! You need to write a book you know that?! I'm wishing I had saved all your emails now so I could start the book for you! But enough about that. OK Batman stay away from anything electrical! I'm just glad you got out alive after she left! Good grief I'm glad you got the organized, sane genes! I love the idea of the card, you are insane in a good way and I'm glad you're my friend! I do however want my own birthday card! xoxoxox~ cin