Slide It On Over Paddy...Here Come The Pickle Queens!!!!

I live in a sleepy little bedroom suburb south of Fort Worth, TX called Mansfield.  As communities go, I'd say we fall into the "small town" mentality...and that's just fine with me...after livin' in Houston for twenty six years I was more than ready to leave the rat race behind! 

Mansfield "proper" boasts a sweet little historical three block main street, and this past Saturday it was PACKED!  Yup...Mansfieldians came out in droves to celebrate the "Wearin' 'O The Green".  HOWEVER the green everyone was saluting was in honor of the almighty PICKLE!!!  BEST MAID PICKLES that is...packed and boxed up right here in our little town for any and all to enjoy.

The day's festivities began at 11 a.m. sharp.  My husband and I strolled into main street's ancient Farr Best Movie Theater to watch John Wayne and Maurine O'Hara on the big screen in "The Quiet Man"...one of my husband's favorite films...ya can't get more Irish than that!  We dropped a mere $6 for admission, popcorn, and two bottled waters!!!  The theater wasn't the ONLY thing that was a blast from the past!!!

The first of "The Pickle Queens" turn onto historic Oak Street...it was a magical sight!!

Once the film ended and we greeted the sunshine again, the real madness began...it was time for The Pickle Parade!!!  Holy Crappola Batman!!!  I always felt this town had nuts and screwballs hidden deep behind closed doors, but I had NO idea how many there really were...and just how many were dancing precariously on that slim border between sanity and outright bazonker status!  To say I was gobsmacked is puttin' it lightly.  Example:  those loopy Shriners who marched were probably amongst the tamest bunch of the lot!

This Queen shimmied and worked her tiara like nobody's business!!

An historic day...TWO floats of Pickle Queens!!!

The standouts were:

-three dweeboids dressed KIND OF like clowns...I'm not sure if they were officially in the parade or not.  They were doin' all manner of crazy things...zoinked out of their minds enough that mothers began grabbin' their children whenever they came strollin' by.

-the doinks zoomin' down the street on segways at speeds so perilous there was a danger of something horrific happening to the crowd. Everyone screamed, eyes agog, as they watched the 300 pound head honcho perform a "one wheeled" maneuver with expert grace at top speed.  It was sumthin' to see...certainly NOT natural!!

-the lone "green man" who strolled crazily left and right with no real purpose in mind.  I turned to my husband and queried "ya think he escaped from the Alzheimer's Home?"  Thank GAWD he wasn't tossin' candies to the children along the parade route!

-OH!!!  Let's not forget the eight crazed Elvis' on mini motorcycles!!!!  These cats were so torked up NUTHIN' was gonna stop them!  Not even the light post the one sportin' a green mohawk squeeked by when he went careening out of control, narrowly missing the FFA float.  GAWD  It was epic!!!  How these Heartbreak Hotel Howlers were able to pop wheelies on those tiny cycles is beyond me...but they were "poppin'" like crazy!!!

-and then came the herd of Beagles!!!  Yup...a freakin' herd of dogs!!!  Not one marching band (we have FOUR high schools) in this parade, but man's best friend thought enough of town tradition to show up!!!  Oh...I need to add that SOMEHOW one Westie interloper snuck into the herd...just how she figured to "blend in" is beyond me...but Mansfieldians are a pretty forgiving lot and she was allowed to march the entire length of the parade route...afterall, those three "clown guys" were all over the place too!

Ya gotta love these brassy babes...big hair and crowns...how Texan can ya get???

But the REAL STARS were the Pickle Queens!!!  Almost anyone can be a Pickle Queen...well, ALMOST anyone that is.  The requirements are fairly simple: each "Queen" has to be age 40 or over.  Oh...and you have to be brave enough to slap a HUGE red wig on your noggin and squeeze into a green dress!  If you can do that...well honey...then you can ride on a MASSIVE float down main street and close down the Pickle Parade.  By the time these whackadoodle gals showed up in all their glory I was howlin' so hard I needed oxygen!  Some old codger behind me yammered to his wife "My goodness!  They have TWO floats of queens this year!!  That HAS to be a world record Alice!"  At that I collapsed into a heap of howling goo on the sidewalk...by far this was the MOST entertaining spectacle I've EVER been to in my life!

Hmmm...should I join 'em in 2013???

This may have been my first Pickle Parade but it certainly won't be my last...soooo slide it on over Paddy...the 17th of March has a whole new meaning in my life!!!

just me...wonderin' where I can find me a red wig and green dress for next year...jan

Needle Felting...Oh Lordy!!! Another Hobby???

I was trollin' Pinterest (as usual) a couple weeks ago and came upon someone's board filled to the brim with all kinds of fanfreakingtastic examples of needle felted animals.  WHEW!!!!  I can't begin to tell y'all how blown away I was with the artistry laid out in front of me!  

I've been drawn to this art for several years now but haven't been able to locate anyone in my area teaching classes.  So I figured a little Google search might prove fruitful.  Hmmmmm...no such luck as far as local instruction...HOWEVER I did find several sites that offered mail order kits!!!  Could I do this on my own?  Was it really that difficult?  Would I be tossin' my dollars to the wind??  Well...no guts, no glory!!!  And so I proceeded to weed through the various kit sellers offering promises to turn me into an instant felt artist.

I chose to purchase from Teresa Perleberg at Bear Creek Design & Felting, first and foremost because one of her designs is the most precious little bunny...and it looked like something within my capabilities...even though it was ranked as "advanced beginner".  I was also drawn to Bear Creek because it's located in my native state of North Dakota...ya gotta support your backyard right??

The contents of each kit: wool, felting needles, felting block, and complete instructions

My kit arrived within a few days of ordering and I have to say I was impressed with the contents.  The only thing I had to pull from my own stash of supplies was a simple needle and thread to aid in sewing eyes to the little rabbit!  The instructions, complete with excellent photographs, were clear and easy to follow.  For a mere $18.00  per kit price, one simply CAN'T go wrong in ordering from Bear Creek!

Two days later I sat down and commenced to start my needle felting adventure.  I have to say I had planned to take photos of the process but, quite frankly, I was havin' soooo much fun I didn't feel like stopping and kept stabbin' away at the wool roving!!  I couldn't wait to get to the part where I could "sculpt" the rabbit's face!  It's amazing to me how the felting needles compact the roving into something rather "solid".  After just a couple hours of playing, this is what my beginning efforts turned out:

Not the best photo of "Rupert's" sculpted face...but the best I could get!

Rupert from the topside!

Rupert showin' off his "best" side!

Rupert...front and center...just too cha cha for words isn't he???

I don't want to brag...but I think old Rupert turned out pretty good...don't you??  Actually, the success factor is more than likely due to the wonderful instructions provided by Ms. Perleberg.  After having such a positive outcome for my first time experience, I KNOW I'm ready to continue movin' forward with more needle felting challenges.  Soooo...if YOU have been thinkin' about givin' needle felting a try...well...I say GO FOR IT!!!  It's LOTS of fun and something that certainly WON'T be sittin' in your UFO pile that's for sure!!!

just me...wonderin' what it takes to raise a herd of sheep for my own wool?...jan

I've been sucked into the black hole that is "Marthadom"...yet again!!!

Years ago I was an ardent fan of Martha Stewart.  When Martha told all of us to put our cakes on pedestals I followed her bidding like a three year old listening to mommy each and every day.  When Martha yammered on incessantly about folding sheets and towels "just so" in order to get that PERFECT LOOK in our linen closets I followed her like one of General Patton's loyal troopers.  I have THREE types of Rowenta irons, not just because I'm anal retentive to the max, but because Martha carefully explained the various need for having them...and it made COMPLETE sense to me.

Yes...to say I was blinded by Martha's "heavenly glow" is putting it lightly.  I adored her, I worshiped her...I would have run over small children and lame animals to snatch up her latest merchandising offer.  Yeah...I got bitten by Martha's bug...soooo fiercely there was no antibiotic that could touch the allergic reaction that resulted! 

But "Martha Life" changed for me the Halloween season she introduced her "pumpkin snake"(check out her archives for instructions).  Ah yes...the pumpkin snake...he was beautiful...he was glorious...he was freakin' spectacular!  I spent an entire day hittin' EVERY pumpkin patch in town to gather up twenty two perfect pumpkins in ascending sizes to recreate that cha cha snake for my front yard.  Martha made it look soooo easy!!!  Long story short...it was a freakin' nightmare!  More pulp than anyone would EVER want to see in an entire lifetime...seeds EVERYWHERE...and THEN came the drilling!!!  Oh lordy!!!  Pulp flyin' two and half miles down the block...GAWD...it took me almost three hours to clean up my kitchen...have I mentioned my lack of Martha's fleet of slaves?  But every kid in the subdivision screamed in delight as they approached my home that Halloween...I LOVED it!  Until two days later when I went to pick up said pumpkins...MASSIVE groan!  Martha said to use the BIG Christmas light strings to illuminate it.  In Texas this means the dang thing COOKED each and every pumpkin in our October heat.  Yup...twenty two PIES crawling with fire ants!  Martha lost her "glow" that day...BIG TIME!  I quit watchin' her shows, stopped my subscription to her magazine, and lived my anal retentive lifestyle quite happily on my own WITHOUT her help!

But THEN came her Michael's crafting explosion!  Oh Lordy!!  I was briefly sucked back into the vortex once more.  I think I can safely say ALL of us were.  I was a goner as soon as I saw that all of her tools were "white" in color.  I HAD to have them...as many as I could get...whether I already owned another version or not...if she had it in a white version I was going to buy it! 

My "Martha Drawer"...filled with my favorite MS punches...DIVINE aren't they? I tremble with giddy glee EVERY time I open this drawer!!!  At times a single tear has been known to slide down my left cheek!

 

 My "Martha Tools"...both circle cutters...her latest slice cutters...her scoring board...that FABULOUS fringing scissors...and, of course, what would one do without a couple of her bone folder tools?  I mean REALLY???  Naturally I have ALL of these tools from other companies, but NOT in "Martha White"!!!  I didn't have the energy to haul out my "Martha Ribbon" collection, or the strength to wheel out the cart filled to the brim with "Martha Glitters" to photograph for you...however, I know you don't have to use your imagination to conjure up the image I'm yammerin' about...y'all have the exact same crappola in YOUR homes too!  Am I right, or am I right???!!!???!!!

Fortunately the rush faded quickly and I moved on...distracted by the myriad of other crafting company offerings to be had.  Then last week a little nugget landed amongst my email messages.  Hmmmmm...Martha has a new line of sum-sumthin' at Staples???   Interesting!!!  I ADORE wandering through office supply shops...ALL anal retentive maniacs do...we can't help ourselves.  The email message offered up a five dollar off coupon on a twenty dollar purchase.  FABULOUS!  Droppin' twenty bucks at Staples is easier than blinkin' my eyeballs!

So off I zoomed in my Cruiser to check out what her latest gig was all about.  OH MY GAWD FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!!  I not only got sucked back into the vortex...I entered an entirely new astral plane!  I thought I'd be strong enough to fight off the "hold" Martha had on me so long ago...but I have to admit she's got me lock, stock, and barrel this time...I've been sucked into the black hole that is Marthadom!!!

I strolled into Staples with that little coupon clutched in my fist and THIS is what was laid bare before me:

OF COURSE I WENT INTO AN IMMEDIATE APOPLECTIC FIT!  I KNOW Howard Carter felt EXACTLY the same way when he first laid eyes on King Tut's tomb!!!  Martha's "treasures" are an anal retentive's dream come true!

 If you want to organize it, she's got something to "put it in" for you!

 Martha's shagreen desk top filing systems and storage boxes are simply gorgeous...I swooped in on them immediately.  They're fanfreakingtastic!  Ya gotta get 'em!!!  I'll be going back for more soon!

If you want to label it...well, let's just say MARTHA IS THE LABEL QUEEN!  I couldn't stop grabbin'...the assortment is just that vast!!!!  And I didn't even get a photo of the chalk board ones!!

If you want to revamp your filing system, Martha has the goods.

 I LOVED the top shelf expandable file folders...they have a wide elastic band on the bottom for extra closure control and the elastic button closure loop can be placed in slots on the bottom back to keep the file open and free standing...brilliant!

An assortment of Martha's "hanging" filing systems.  ALL of her filing systems can be purchased in the beautiful shagreen option...I love it!!!

If you want to take up journaling...whew!  Martha has some of the sweetest little journals around!

Pictured here are Martha's "smooth" and "leatherette" finished journals.  You can also get the shagreen finish option as well.

I thought these little "smooth" finish journals were sweet 'cuz if you have a Zutter binding tool the "spacing" of the holes is exactly the same...hmmm...can I see some "altering" in the future???  AMAZING!!!!!

I have to admit I got a tad bit carried away tossin' items into my cart.  At one point I was drooling so profusely a puddle had formed on the floor and the shop clerk who had been restocking the label section shot me "the hairy eyeball" stare...what a harpy!!  Of course it could have had something to do with the fact that she slipped in all that drool, went down like a house on fire, and cracked her head on an unopened box of Martha's 30 pack NoteTabs!  She didn't even say "thank you" when I handed her two Advils!  Harrumph!!! So I took that as my cue to skeedaddle towards the check out stand where Martha snagged me for MORE big dollars...my debit card was smokin'!...how does she do that to us??  I'm gobsmacked every time!!!

For now I'm back in her fan club and reorganizing in my office a la Martha style.  I've NO idea how long this current pro-Martha adventure is gonna last.  Unless she comes out with her own large appliance line, I think she's done it all hasn't she?  Hmmm...Martha washers and dryers???  Sounds like "a good thing"!!!

just me...goin' broke once MORE with Martha...jan

Pen Pals and Presents!!!

      Remember waaaayyyy back in elementary school when pen pals were the rage??  When your fifth grade teacher began yammering away one winter's day about the exciting writing adventure the entire classroom was going to partake in until the school doors flew open and freed everyone to summer's sunshine?  No???  Well, I do!!!  At least "somewhat".  

   I have no earthly idea just where Mrs. Carrigan got the names for our classroom project...but 28 names were clearly written on crisp white paper strips, neatly folded, and dropped into two boxes on her desk, one for girls, one for boys.  In orderly fashion we each drew the name of some "stranger" that would soon become a bosom buddy.  At least that was the plan.  Naturally, as luck would have it, every letter I scrawled to "my buddy" remained unanswered.  However, it did fuel a fondness for letter writing in me that remains to this day.  Soooo several months ago I decided to take part in something I normally would avoid like the plague.

   I was blog hopping and discovered a woman hosting a "vintage brooch swap".  Well, since all these mixed media gals go into apoplectic fits when spying ANY kind of vintage jewel, I figured this proposal was ideal for me....I'd end up with something pretty cha cha and a new friend to boot!  Thankfully my partner was just as "up" for the project as I was...and so my kinship with Mary Lea Wolf was born.

                                 Mary's frame and vintage brooch to me                            

   The task was to purchase a vintage brooch, "present it" in some kind of special fashion, and have it posted within 1 1/2 months.  During that time Mary and I wrote brief notes back and forth, discussing introductory topics, family, career, etc.  But mainly focusing on our projects.  

   Mailing day came and I have to say when I received mine I was ever so pleased to have a "piece" of my new found friend's heart.  Mary's frame was so sweet...she even included a tiny photo of herself as a young girl...how cha cha is that?  I ask you?!?!!

my stitched needleroll and mother-of-pearl brooch to Mary

   I was totally stumped for a presentation idea, but chose to stitch up a needleroll where her brooch could reside front and center, above the words "forever friends".  I adore stitching needlerolls and have a small collection of them.  

   Since the swap's conclusion Mary and I have continued writing back and forth...sharing the hum drum of daily life and the excitement of any and all adventures.  I have to say Mary is bit more bold than myself...her last major adventure was touring the backroads of England in a horse-drawn caravan where she cooked her own meals over open fires!  Me...I tour those back roads in a rental car and sleep in B&B's that offer cuddly warm duvets and traditional English breakfasts!! 

just me...sayin' "Hey Mrs. Carrigan!  After 50 years I FINALLY got that pen pal!"...jan

Am I Moving Over To The Dark Side????

Six months ago my world changed...I found the amazing women of the wonderful world of mixed media art. Prior to this my creative bent had pretty much centered around fine needlework, lacemaking, ribbonwork and painting. But when I hit Paper Cowgirl last June, "art" turned 180 degrees for me...and the bonus I received came in the form of the individuals who created all this fantastic "stuff". Saturday I spent the day with one of them...Cami Dilsaver...a real loopy lou...who promised me an interesting day. Hmmmmmmm

First up was the Funky Finds Experience in Fort Worth. I'd never been to this "craft fair" before...and it was interesting. As we strolled down the aisles it became obvious that there were true artists among the crafters exhibiting their wares. We discovered several ideas we could "lift" for projects in our own workshops...even greater items to purchase...and then items that left us with the thought "what CAN she be thinking?!!??" For me that item was fashioned by "the wreath lady"......oh lordy folks......Cami's comment: "Well, maybe you could change it up with a little bling or something." Hmmmmmm.....yeah.....bling in the form of a blow torch.....Cami is just too sweet.....that wreath was ugleeee no matter what astral plane you occupy! LOL As we paid for our purchase at the last booth on the last aisle, I thought we were headed to lunch.....Cami had other ideas!

"Have you ever been to the Cow Barns?" she queried. Ummmmmm.....NOPE!!!! She started to laugh and claimed she was going to change my world. GAWD!!!!!!!!!! We strolled across the street and headed into some type of flea market dealio that apparently has been around since God was a child....and looked like it. Now, I'm a PURGER from waaaayyyyyy back....I don't save crappola....two steps into this place my comment was "Well! I think I know where all my stuff has ended up!" Cami was howling but immediately exclaimed "THIS is where we get the stuff to make our stuff Jan!!!" Hmmmmmmmm.....okay......is my world really opening up further? Will I be bringing home crappola from this place??? How in blazes are we even gonna FIND anything worthwhile in here? Stuff was piled on top of stuff. An anal retentive's nightmare....I was beginning to get the shakes!!!

I think Cami spied the look of bewilderment (and fear) on my face and expertly guided me down the first aisle, all the while cooing about which vendor to approach and which one to ignore...who had the best prices...who thought he/she was a Rockefeller etc. Within minutes I calmed down and said "Sheesh! You and Jan Vermillion-Thomason (another artist I adore) are bound and determined to drag me to the dark side!!" By the center of that first aisle I WAS crossing over! We had hit the area of "the jewelry lady".

These mixed media women work a lot of "bling" into their creations. Now, I've been huntin' down bling at my local antique mall...groan...at $15 to $25 a pop I ain't usin' a whole lotta bling pins etc. in my creations! Well...the "jewelry lady" at the cow barns had great stuff for $3 and $4 and I was grabbing like a madman possessed! While Cami continued to howl, and cull her own treasures, I babbled incoherently about all the great crappola I was finding. Then Cami said "OH! There's a woman at the end of this row who has old clothing and fashion labels!" BANG! I was closer to the dark side! I've loved this kind of thing BEFORE I even knew about mixed media. So we dash off to the label lady.

Unfortunately the label lady had forgotten to bring her labels with her but promised to have them for the next time 'round. No matter...there were more treasures to be had.....I was gettin' into the groove.....my hands were dirty!!!!

Midway through the next aisle we met a charming fellow selling tiny personal bank ledgers. Cami was yakking it up with him about prices. Note...NOTHING (or very little) is marked at this place...people make up prices on the fly. The beginning price started at $3 each (I think). When I became interested he said he'd make us a deal...$1 each if we took them all. So we started looking at them. I was only interested in one. After inspection Cami decided against them and passed. Once again I asked the price because by that time I was totally confused. Ummmmm....he charged me $1!!!!! ROFLOL Ya gotta love this place!!! I was DEFINITELY movin' closer to the dark side!!!

Then came the dapper gent with the books and the crystal pepper shaker. What a guy!! I picked up a beautifully shaped crystal pepper shaker, no mate, that had a $5 sticker on it. I was so excited I practically wet my panties. I store glitters in them so didn't need a mate. I pulled out $5...he gave me back $3...WHAT??? He explained the sticker really didn't mean anything. HUH? The dark side is lookin' good...REAL good!

Cami made a purchase from him I just can't understand...no matter how long I hang with these women I'll never understand it. I can't say that ALL of them are infected, but a lot of them have a sickness for plastic/rubber baby doll heads. GAWD It's totally creepy to me...I don't get it. Oh, they may buy the entire doll, but they'll rip the head off and slap it on heaven only knows whatever in the name of art. I have to admit some of it is interesting...but I look at it and I STILL see a mutilated baby doll. I refused to even glance at Cami's purchase...knowing the fate of the pitiful thing.

This was followed by an old gentleman with a stash of gorgeous prisms for $3 each...be still my heart! The dark side was beckoning louder!!!!

Then came the little lady selling depression era pressed glassware. BANG! I store my tools in this stuff. I thought I was gettin' pretty good prices at the local antique mall...HOLY CRAPPOLA BATMAN!!! The cow barns is the place to go for pressed glassware. Oh...you won't find a whole lot of it...but I got a great piece to store my rulers in for....wait for it.....$3!!!! It would have cost me at least $20 to $25 at the antique mall. Yes...with that purchase I had finally crossed over to the dark side. I was sold on these junkin' exercises. I believe I can learn to dig with the best of them. I can't wait to discover the next treasure trove these women haunt. I won't be huntin' down baby doll heads mind you...but I'll be kickin' and scratchin' for my piece of the haul!

For those of you who haven't crossed over to the dark side yet...well...the anal retentive purger in me says "kudos to you"...but the new me says "taken in moderation, the dark side isn't such a bad place...where else can you get $3 bling?"

A Present for Presleigh.....

Recently I attended an art retreat in Waxahachie, Texas. I spent three wonderful days meeting the most interesting women, all interested in furthering their knowledge of various art forms.
However, the most fun I experienced was meeting the two children who attended the event...eleven year old Landon and nine year old Presleigh. Landon happened to be the grandson of a classmate and Presleigh the daughter of one of my instructors.

I came to "know" these youngsters on a Saturday evening while most attendees were shopping for "that perfect bauble" at the vendor show. I adore yammering with young people...one never knows what will pop out of their mouths during an extended conversation...and these two didn't disappoint! I soon realized that Presleigh reminded me soooo much of myself in my younger days...constantly on the move...never at a loss for words...and supremely at home in the company of boys. Not far into our conversation she imparted that her sole purchase at the vendor show had been a book that dealt with the Orient. I soon came to realize this same book had been held up as a "sample" in one of my classes..."oh to be able to purchase such a book!" I thought at the time. My head had been literally swimming with ideas of what I would do if the book belonged to me...LOL

Little did I know that the instructor would eventually put it up for sale with her other wares, and that out of all the people scavenging the vast array of trinkets, ephemera, glitter, jewels, hardware, you name it....it was there....that a nine year old girl would manage to uncover the one book I found fascinating....I was gobsmacked by her choice.

Sooooo...not wanting to be a sore loser...I decided to embrace my new found friend's wise purchase and reward her with a little gift from my heart and hands. This "new" tag book is for you, Presleigh...I've no idea what in blazes you'll do with your "old" book, but I'm confident it will be simply amazing.
, Whether you choose to alter it, create pockets amongst its pages, fill it up with tags or simply leave it as the author intended...a tome to be read and enjoyed...I know you'll make the right choice little one!
just me...having felt like a nine year old again, if only for an evening...jan

Tour de France

Yup! The guys are back again...it's that time of year...the cyclists are roaring through the French countryside on yet another epic adventure of sweat, pain, joy, misery...you name it...they'll experience it.

I've been a fan of the Tour de France for quite a number of years now. Number one son got me mad for the sport back when Armstrong was riding for The Discovery Channel. Since then cycling has exploded in this country...nice to know since many of us have become so sedentary. But today, as Lance and the boys from Radio Shack begin to hit the first of the mountain climbs, I'm thinking back to just how a male dominated sporting event can "move" a middle aged housewife off the couch and "onto" a bicycle.......well.......kind of!

Erick (#1 son) had set up Josh's bike (#2 son) in a "trainer" contraption in the game room so the two of them could "ride" in air conditioned comfort and still get their miles in......I vacuumed around the set up......yes I AM a saint! Anyhoo, so the morning rolled in....all the guys headed out for work and I dragged my tea cup to the game room and prepared to watch fresh faced bikers kill themselves in a fierce battle with The Alps. As I sat sipping and watching men flying past tiny villages and vast fields, I kept glancing at "the bike". After twenty minutes I thought "what the heck...why not ride with Lance and the boys today...no one but me will know!" So I hopped on and began peddling away...enjoying the back roads of France with the rest of my international competitors!

Ten minutes later, with sweat rolling down my arm pits and feet continually falling off the freakin' pedals, I determined adjustments needed to be made if I was going to make it through even half of the day's journey. I hopped off, stripped down to t-shirt and panties (I was alone...you'd do it too!), hit the AC to 66, cranked the ceiling fan to full blast and shoved my tootsies into Josh's cycling shoes (we're the same size). Whew! NOW I was ready for France!
Ummmm.....perhaps. I began my ride with an easy pace, keeping an eye on the rest of "the field", happy that a ceiling fan was whirring above my head instead of some free wheeling birdie the rest of the bikers had to contend with. But then THEY weren't bothered by pesky irritations like ringing telephones! Oh well....I'd just continue my ride after the phone call. WRONG! Upon attempting to get off the bike I hit a major snag...as in my feet were LOCKED in the pedals and they WEREN'T coming out anytime soon! No matter what I did I was unable to remove my cycle shoed feet from the pedals....twist, turn, yank, pull, push....nothing!

The phone had long since stopped ringing when, like a lightening bolt from above, genius struck....remove my feet from the shoes! So I grabbed the ratchet thingee that closed the shoe and began to attempt to undo the shoe...GAWD...what in blazes is wrong with good old fashioned shoe laces? The only thing the ratchet thingee did was to hermetically seal my foot into the shoe AND stab my thumb so badly that I was bleeding profusely down my arm. Not wanting to stain the game room carpet, I did what any woman would do....I shoved my thumb into my mouth....and in answer to the obvious question: NO I'M NOT A FAN OF THOSE VAMPIRE MOVIES!

I have no idea how much blood I sucked down....enough to make me VERY naucious though. As I laid across the top of the bike in a sweat soaked heap, choking back vomit and trying not to bleed on the carpet, the phone began ringing again. Sheesh! When it rains it pours! At that point my life began flashing before me...the only real regret I had was the fact that my family would find me six or seven hours later...braless, in panties, t-shirt and ratchet shoes clamped to a ten speed bicycle on a journey to nowhere. With tears rolling down my cheeks I glanced at the television screen....the cyclists were hitting the midpoint of the last mountain climb for the day....at that moment we shared a kinship....I knew their pain, I felt their sweat, the battle of the day had truly humbled me....please God I need a little help! And, like each of my international competitors, God answered that prayer.....my left foot miraculously fell off the pedal!

I had just enough strength to haul my aching buttocks off the bike to wrench my foot out of the OTHER pedal. I crawled on hands and knees to the telephone to attempt to contact Erick concerning instructions about shoe removal. Once his uncontrolled laughing ceased....I ruminated on nature's mothers who eat their young....I was finally able to completely free myself from the dreaded shoes. I collapsed on the couch as some of the last cyclists of the day crossed the finish line.

While I hadn't battled The Alps as Lance and the other guys did that day, I have to say I believe mine was an epic struggle that rates right up there....and NO I haven't been back on the bike....I leave such matters to those who know what they're doing.

just me...watchin' from the sidelines...jan